"so if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would've done?"

i've never appreciated people more for doing what they love, even when it's a crazy endeavor or a failed operation. my dad once told me he didn't consider himself a successful person. i gave him the most puzzled look seeing as he takes care of my mother and his three kids probably better than most and even when time are a little harder, he does his best, and i love him for it. so the thought of him considering himself a failed person upset me, more than anything else. when i asked him why, he explained to me how i's important to do something you're passionate about, something you love. (mind you, this conversation stemmed from my mother shitting on me for my "half-ass" majors). and so he continued to assure and said "ridah beta, as long as you're doing something you enjoy, and well, not making under minimum wage, you'll be fine." i definitely gained a new respect for my father that day.

my uncle is most representative of the kind of success my dad was talking about. my uncle has worked at the same place for the last ten years, and promotion after promotion (mA), he seems to be happy with what he does, and is providing more than enough for his family. the man goes on a million business trips a year, but he still manages to make time for his loved ones, and rarely does he take his frustrations of work out on the others around him. would i ever do my uncle's job? hell no. but the truth is, he loves it. he wears his brand like a badge of ultimate accomplishment, and he has every reason to. you can just tell that he's the type of person who wakes up at 6AM, and is happy for the day to start, on most days, anyway.

so today, as i was commuting over to the city for what was supposed to be one of the best experiences of my life, i can't help but think, maybe this isn't for me. maybe i was meant to do something different. something more. i guess what scares me is the thought of quitting. am i giving up? or am i letting something go because i need to in order to grow? every second counts right? so why am i wasting my time when i don't feel like i'm learning anything? a part of me feels ungrateful because i know people would kill to be in my place right now (and i'm not being the least bit cocky). but i don't know. maybe today, i need to go against the grain, and think for myself and what's best for me. i guess i have this gut feeling. and i want so bad to just go with it, i just feel like the thought of regret is holding me back.

i suppose i hope i have the courage and grace to go through with this.

wish me luck.
much love.